I was:

An Experiment…

August 27, 2006

So, this weekend–the second-to-last weekend of the summer–I decided to try a little experiment.

I wasn’t going to do any client work whatsoever, not even answer emails (I really hope none of those clients are reading this right now…). I’d say it’s probably been one of my most relaxing and boring weekends of the summer.

I guess that’s the trade-off; you just can’t have excitement and peace simultaneously these days. You can thank the media for that.

However, two interesting things did occur because of this. Wait, actually, three.

  1. I spent much of yesterday afternoon/evening filming and editing a little video which is yet to be named. So far it has been filmed by only me and has starred only me. Is that a bad thing? I don’t think so. If I ever finish it, I’ll probably stick it up on YouTube for you all to see…Just watching the minute and ten seconds I’ve already done gives me an adrenalin rush.

    First one to guess what the video is of gets a cookie–and if you already know because I happened to tell you about it, you can’t play.

  2. I did something that I never believed possible. In fact, I almost don’t even want to say it, as I’ve considered even the name to be one of the most foul words on the planet. I’d often shiver when I’d hear it uttered…so I’ll just link you to it instead. (By the way, I need more friends. Two billion (if you’re a non-IE6 user) just doesn’t cut it.) I just used parenthesis within parenthesis. Can you do that?

  3. And as a third bonus “interesting thing,” I watched about an hour and a half of the World Series of Poker today. I could take some of those losers.

Honestly, I’m really sorry about the lame post…But as Glen told me, “Don’t force genius or inspiration where it obviously isn’t.”

So apparently, Glen doesn’t think I’m a genius.

Posted in Whatever | w00t! 37 comments!

Help me smash this writer’s block with a sledgehammer.

August 23, 2006

As I’m sure is no secret by now, I’ve been having writer’s block issues. In short, for the past few weeks I haven’t found anything stupid enough to make fun of, and nothing in particular has pissed me off enough to rant about it.

So that’s where you come in–I need ideas, I need topics, I need stupid people.

Posted in Whatever | w00t! 9 comments!

The Accident Domain

August 20, 2006

I procrastinated long enough and from now on this site will be at accidentalprocrastination.com. So, make sure to update all your links, bookmarks, and everything else to the correct address…

Posted in Whatever | w00t! 6 comments!

With Liberty and Tolerance For All

August 6, 2006

Today’s tolerance is fashionable and considerate, the mark of a truly educated person. Being fashionable, considerate, and educated myself, I believe in tolerance to the highest degree.

America, Land of the Free and Home of the Brave, has given me a wonderful example of what tolerance looks like. As we relentlessly tell everyone everywhere, America is a deeply tolerant country. Our citizens have the freedom to burn the American flag because we tolerate all of us who stand against us. We fought a hard battle to remove the 10 Commandments from court rooms because we must be tolerant towards those of us who are offended by fools.

That’s how we keep our country so tolerant. It works extraordinarily well, and no true, educated American would dare offend another person or organization–our lawyers make sure of that. Those jackasses are too into their religion to take the 10 Commandments down? Throw ‘em in the slammer. That’s tolerance for you.

Our foreign policy lacks tolerance, however. If tolerance is truly all it’s cracked up to be (and they tell me it is), then surely that’s the answer to all of our problems.

We just need to be more tolerant of terrorists.

Surely that would solve things. After all, it’s what any educated person would do. We simply must realize that Al Qaeda just wants Heaven too, and North Korea…Well, who knows.

Besides, I haven’t seen good fireworks in quite some time.

Posted in Politics, Words, Observations, The Stupidities of Society | w00t! 5 comments!

Upon Searching for Me

July 24, 2006

I was looking through my Mint stats last night when I realized…Some of the funniest people don’t realize that they’re funny–which is probably why they are.

Allow me to demonstrate by showing you a few of the searches that people have actually done to end up here:

Posted in Whatever, Words | w00t! 8 comments!

It’s not my fault I’m a pessimist.

July 18, 2006

Americans have always been impressed by professional-sounding terms. Some of us like them so much that we invent multiple terms for the same thing then attempt to trick you into believing that they’re actually different.

The whole profession of doctorism (how’s that for a professional term) revolves around this exact system. After all, if doctors are going to charge so much, they’d better look like they actually know something we don’t.

How many times have you gone to the doctor to hear him say, “You hurt your leg”? Probably not very many. They’re much more likely to say something like, “You have a fracture of the femur,” which sounds much more professional.

We all know they just look it up on the internet when our back is turned. This is the only reason that I can think of for always having such crappy wallpaper–good distraction while they look it up (Hey, is that a BUTTERFLY on there?). But even so, they still like to pretend that they are actually smarter than us. So, they use these big words in order to prove they deserve the white coat:

“After much googling research I have come to the conclusion that the fetor comes from extensive feces.”

“What?”

“Your shit stinks.”

One more thing. How come I always end up with the practicing doctors? Just once, can’t I get a good one? I think that’s something my health insurance forgot to mention.

Big words aren’t just reserved to wealthy googlers doctors, however. Take the words optimism and pessimism. We like to define these with the oh-so-popular “half-full” and “half-empty” illustrations. People love to ask you that. Do you see your glass as half empty, or half full?

I hear this is one of psychiatrists’ favorite questions, which is also why I believe that psychiatrists are people who wanted to be doctors, but couldn’t learn how to use Google fast enough so settled for making up stuff on the spot.

I don’t need a psychiatrist to tell me whether I’m an optimist or a pessimist though, because there’s not too much difference. The only real difference between optimists and pessimists is that the half-full people tell you that “if life hands you a lemon, make lemonade,” while the half-empty people hate lemonade.

Posted in Whatever, Words, Observations, The Stupidities of Society | Dang, only one comment so far.

Sports for the Al Qaeda World

July 14, 2006

It’s obvious that the Muslim extremists hate us, you needn’t to tell me that. What I want to know, though, is why.

Is it just because we’re Americans? Couldn’t be. How could somebody hate a country that has hamburgers, baseball, and more nukes than you can imagine? It’s impossible.

Or could it be because there are so many Christians in America? I say no. Think about it from a terrorist’s perspective: If your whole point in killing people is so that you can get to Heaven and have a chance at those 72 virgins, wouldn’t it be smarter to kill people who are more likely to turn terrorist? Better chances for yourself that way.

I think the real reason they’re always so angry is because of the lack of radical Islamic sports. They just need a creative path to channel all of that hatred to. If we can give them a way to blow off all that steam in a safe-for-us manner, they’d be much happier.

Baseball isn’t going to do it, they’re too smart for that. Where’s the violence?

Boxing’s no good–no uniforms. Everybody knows that Al Qaeda loves uniforms.

So, I think they need their own special sport–it could even be something like a reality show. Here’s one option that I can think of:

Scary video contest. Much like our American Idol, contestants would go for months without taking a shower or shaving, then would stand in front of blank walls holding AK47s and say scary things. You get extra points if you’re already dead by the time the video is shown, and Osama Bin Laden would judge. The loser gets shot (what good is a sport without a little bit of risk, I say). The only problem with this one is that if you’re dead before the video is shown and you loose, they can’t really shoot you.

Any other ideas?

Posted in Whatever, Politics, Observations, The Stupidities of Society | w00t! 3 comments!

The Truth About Sports

July 11, 2006

I used to do sports. When I was 7 I played baseball; did that for about 6 years. Did soccer a couple of times.

I remember those first few years, t-ball, hot dogs…confusion. I also remember quite clearly what the coaches would constantly tell us:

It’s just a game!

We didn’t believe them, of course. They won’t tell us the score? Then we’ll keep track ourselves.

But this is what they wanted.

Because the next season, everything is suddenly backwards. The coaches are yelling and swearing, meanwhile the players are telling the coaches, “It’s just a game!”

To many, this whole ordeal would probably be a confusing thing. However, I’ve been able to figure it all out. The first couple of years, you know, the ones where it’s “just a game”–those are there to get you hooked. If you continue playing for a couple of years, then they figure that you’re ready for the truth.

But they don’t really tell you the truth. Or the whole truth, anyway. You think it’s the truth, you believe it’s the truth. Most people, in fact, still do believe that this is the truth. The whole US Government still believes this, as does Japan’s. What they tell you is that it’s not really a game, it’s your life. You need this, your future depends upon it. That even you can be a winner.

This, of course, is bullshit. There are no real “winners” in sports. Actually, let me take that back. There are winners in sports, but most people would never guess them. But I’ll tell you who they are: Drug dealers, and the countries that don’t participate.

Those are your real winners.

Drug dealers, pretty self explanatory. I think that they are actually the ones that started this whole “sports” thing and came up with the confusing introduction to the game. I mean they are masters of addiction, are they not? So what would be better than to create an addiction that will start another addiction that they can sell products to feed? It’s complicated, it’s confusing, it’s genius. Who would’ve guessed?

The non-participants are also winners. Why? Because they’re several billion dollars richer and several times smarter. You see, while we’re plunking millions into training somebody to kick a plastic ball, they can use this money to do much more important things. Like say, build nukes.

Posted in Politics, Observations, The Stupidities of Society | w00t! 5 comments!

A question for my readers

July 9, 2006

I’ve been doing Accidental Procrastination for a couple of months now, and I have no intentions of stopping. My stats show that readership has been growing quite nicely as of late (I think I’m running into the blogging paradox already), and I’ve been having loads of fun.

I’ve implemented a lot of sweet new JavaScript stuff around here lately (look for it), and this has almost turned into my little JavaScript sandbox as well as a great place to drop thoughts.

Now here’s the question. Do you think I should keep the blog here, or shall I give the thing it’s own special domain? Not that your answers will really make any difference once I’ve made up my mind.

And on a completely different side note, who exactly is reading this? Just curious. I know I’ve got a lot of readers who’ve been keeping quiet, so now is the time to come out into the open. I don’t bite…

Much.

Posted in Whatever, Blogging | w00t! 14 comments!

Kim Jong Il sucks at poker.

July 8, 2006

Regarding the whole North Korea thing, I think Kim Jong Il could have something going for him, but he really needs to work on this a little bit more. When you’re playing with the pros, you’d better know what you’re doing. Otherwise, you’ll get wasted. Literally. And lets face it, Kim Jong Il obviously sucks at this.

When you’re at the table, image is everything. As such, the guy’s going to need a name change. I mean c’mon… Kim? Isn’t that a girl’s name?

If you want to be a pro, you gotta look like one. This means that you can’t have a poker face like Kermit the Frog with a name already taken by a piece-of-crap Disney show. I hear name changes aren’t too expensive here in the US, so I’m sure that when you’re god of North Korea you can get them for practically nothing.

That is, of course, unless he (or is it a “she”?) is going for the Miss Piggy look, which I can definitely see on him…But lets face it, if you’re going to do the look, you need to do the moves. Nukes just won’t cut it.

Now second of all, what are you going to do when even China hates you? Kim seems to think that bluffing is a good tactic here. In order to prove he’s no sissy, he launches 7 nukes against stern warnings from the US and Japan. Now, this would’ve been a spectacular bluff, except for one little problem: The freakin’ thing broke 45 seconds into flight.

Talk about embarrassing.

Posted in Politics, Observations | w00t! 17 comments!

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