I was:

But it’s low-fat!

April 7, 2007

A phenomenon I’ve been noticing lately is the abundance of reduced fat snacks and deserts. Did you know that you can actually buy low-fat ice cream now? And what’s with the Reduced Fat Oreos?

I’ve been trying to figure out what new audience they’re trying to reach. I know it can’t be me, because I only eat Double Stuffed. It also can’t be the hard-core dieters, because they wouldn’t be stupid enough to fall for something like that.

The only explanation I can think of is that they’re hoping to open up a new market filled with spontaneous dieters:

Guy 1: “Man, I’m freaking starved, I haven’t eaten anything today!”
Guy 2: “There’s McDonald’s…Go buy a hamburger.”
Guy 1: “Haven’t you seen the movie? Besides, I’m doing the whole ‘diet’ thing. Hey, wait a second…look at this! Reduced Fat Oreos! I’ll get two.”

I suppose it also works for the quantity-over-quality folks. You know, the people who don’t want to feel guilty after taking seconds so they get the 50% reduced fat stuff, thus allowing them to eat twice as much.

You think?

Posted in Words, Observations, The Stupidities of Society | w00t! 10 comments!

Simple Facts of Life

March 5, 2007

Posted in Whatever, Words, Observations | w00t! 9 comments!

The American Dream

February 14, 2007

It’s called the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

- George Carlin, Owners of This Country

The American Dream is a bizarre paradox that holds the weight of American success. It works, sometimes. It allows the forlorn to hope, the dejected to dream, the downhearted to act, and the achievers to stress. The American Dream insists that the status quo is indeed not enough, that there is more, and that if you don’t get that more you’ve failed yourself and your society.

But what is that more? When have you attained it?

The answer to the second question is simple: You can’t. You can’t attain it, because you can’t define it. And you can’t define it, because as soon as you’ve defined the American Dream you’ve lost it.

So we fight a blind battle, searching and lusting for something more, something else, something better… We obtain the better, we get the more, but only to find another better and another more lies just down the road.

We try to make something of ourselves, something great, something big. A name, or recognition. Something, anything. Anything that will leave our own unique mark on the planet; anything that will allow us to feel like we haven’t wasted our life. We don’t know who we are, so we attempt to follow those who, in our minds, have achieved the American Dream. Perhaps becoming the next American Idol? Thousands upon thousands of people were shown last week on national TV attempting to be just that. The catch? Most of them can’t sing. Have they failed in the American Dream? Or a better question…Can you win the American Dream? No. No, you can’t.

I imagine if you walked up to previous American Idols and asked them if they’ve succeeded in life, completed all their goals, and feel completely content with where their life is at they’ll answer “no.” There’s always something on the horizon, something new and better. A carrot dangling on a stick just inches out of reach, and no matter how far you go it’s never far enough, the carrot’s still there, still just out of reach.

Ephesians 2:8-10

For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast. For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.

Success has become the postmodern Law. Much like what the Biblical Old Testament Law gave many of the Israelites, success gives us purpose and motivation. Most of us, like the Old Testament spiritual leaders with the Law, define ourselves by our success compared to that of others.

But just like Israel did with the Law, we again miss the point. In a society where self-help books have their own section in Borders and Joel Osteen can get millions to watch him speak, where supermodels starve themselves and still need to be photoshopped, and where our millionaire stars check themselves into rehabs; we’ve obviously never been able to beat the American Dream.

But maybe, just maybe, we’re not supposed to.

Posted in Religion, Christianity, American Idol, Politics, Words, Observations, The Stupidities of Society | w00t! 7 comments!

My Prediction is…

February 4, 2007

Both teams lose, and all of America is pissed off for the next week. Preferably, the stadium blows up right before the game starts and we just see commercials for 3 hours. And if anybody is wondering what I look like, today I’ll be the guy cheering every time somebody messes up.

That is all for now. I do have another serious post in the making, but it doesn’t have an ending yet, so that will have to wait for another time.

Posted in Whatever, The Stupidities of Society | w00t! 5 comments!

Easy, High-Pay Jobs

January 23, 2007

Anybody can be a stunt man…but it takes a special person to be a stunt man more than once.

“What do you do?”
“I’m a stunt man.”
“Oh really, you can do stunts?”
“…One.”

Posted in Observations | w00t! 5 comments!

The Insanities of One’s Mind

January 6, 2007

From looking at the stats for this blog, I can tell a lot about the types of people who come across it, mostly shown through the search engine referrals I find. The kinds of insights these can lead to are quite astounding, so what you’ll now be experiencing is a journey into the minds of those who search Google for stupid things, and find what they’re looking for–me.

Posted in Whatever, Blogging, Words, Poetry | w00t! 4 comments!

The Global Warming Solution

January 3, 2007

TIME says global warming is destroying us, and Al Gore wants you to believe it. Your icecaps are melting, your ozone’s vaporising, and your winter wonderland’s retiring. I didn’t read the TIME article and I didn’t watch Gore’s movie–but they’ve got the snappy titles, and that’s all anybody reads anyway.

None of that matters though, because I have the solution.

That’s right, I can solve your global warming disputes, your hot-button issues, your sizzling problems. I can cool down your planet, keep your atmosphere free, and save your icecaps. I can restrain your greenhouse gases, halt your CO2, and hold back the rising waters.

All I had to do is think for a second. What is supposed to cause global warming? CO2, carbon dioxide. What’s the biggest apparent supplier of carbon dioxide? Breathing.

After I had that figured out, the solution came as naturally as Al Gore and acting. We take all the stupid people, put ‘em in a room, and tell them not to breathe.

Problem solved.

Now, some of you are going to be sending me hate mail because you don’t believe in global warming or perhaps you think Earth could use a little warming up. But that’s cool, because this will solve all your other problems, too.

The only thing left is deciding who gets cast into the room. I say we make it a reality show, and I vote for Al Gore.

Posted in Whatever, Observations, The Stupidities of Society | w00t! 19 comments!

The Bible Joel Osteen Doesn’t Talk About.

December 30, 2006

American Christianity has become overrun with sissies. The stuff Paul wrote would never make it into a Sunday morning sermon for fear of offending the same people who spend more time boycotting The Da Vinci Code and Harry Potter than they do helping their neighbor. In fact, some of the stuff Paul wrote didn’t even make it into our common English translations…Excuse me?

So, in order to prove that this politically correct, tame, and emotionless sissiness is not where we started, I’d like to show a few examples of honest, point-blank, and truly offensive (and oh-so-awesome) material found from the very book and people this faith came from.

Let’s start with Paul. First we’ve got the censored Philippians 3:8, which you’ve probably seen like one of these:

Yet indeed I also count all things loss for the excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them as rubbish, that I may gain Christ (NKJV)

Not only those things, but I think that all things are worth nothing compared with the greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. Because of him, I have lost all those things, and now I know they are worthless trash. This allows me to have Christ (NCV)

What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ (NIV)

Bullshit.

Paul said it. He didn’t count them as “rubbish” or “worthless trash,” he counted them as the Greek “skubala,” or correctly translated–”shit.”

Then we’ve got one of my all-time favorite verses, Galations 5:12. To give a little context, I’ll include verse 11 as well (and I’ll be skipping the NKJV as, in my opinion, it’s fairly weak):

My brothers and sisters, I do not teach that a man must be circumcised. If I teach circumcision, why am I still being attacked? If I still taught circumcision, my preaching about the cross would not be a problem. I wish the people who are bothering you would castrate themselves! (NCV)

Brothers, if I am still preaching circumcision, why am I still being persecuted? In that case the offense of the cross has been abolished. As for those agitators, I wish they would go the whole way and emasculate themselves! (NIV)

Now as Real Live Preacher points out, this pretty much means, “I wish those who are troubling you would cut their own balls off.” Try saying that in church and see what happens.

Both John the Baptist and Jesus used the common phrase, “brood of vipers” when addressing a group of people. According to a Wikipedia article, “In Matthew and Luke, the word used for brood implies illegitimacy, and so scholars, such as Malina and Rohrbaugh, consider a more literal translation to be snake bastards.”

Now, regardless of whether that’s the most accurate translation or not, take a look at what Jesus said here:

“You snakes! You brood of vipers! How will you escape being condemned to hell? Therefore I am sending you prophets and wise men and teachers. Some of them you will kill and crucify; others you will flog in your synagogues and pursue from town to town. And so upon you will come all the righteous blood that has been shed on earth, from the blood of righteous Abel to the blood of Zechariah son of Berekiah, whom you murdered between the temple and the altar. I tell you the truth, all this will come upon this generation. (Matthew 23:33-36, NIV)

I’m pretty sure that wasn’t taken positively. And of course, we can’t forget the whole flipping tables episode.

So, with that said, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to go put on some Tool. Wait…actually, it’s already playing.

Posted in Religion, Christianity, Words, The Stupidities of Society | w00t! 18 comments!

Are We Done Yet?

December 9, 2006

Clerks are jerks.

I mean honestly. You take normal, average people, stick ‘em behind a counter, and suddenly they’re complete jackasses.

You know what I’m talking about.

You’re trying to buy a cage for your demented hamster, submit a medical/death release form so you can learn to jump out of a plane, or check your cat into Addicted To Catnip Anonymous and you have absolutely no clue what the procedure is in this situation. After approximately 73 minutes and 24 seconds of dealing with this person, it becomes unmistakably clear that the person-behind-the-counter-who-does-this-all-the-time has no absolutely no intention of telling you what it is.

The DMV loves this.

The guy’s standing behind his all-mighty shelf of fabricated jargon (counter) as though it’s some sort of industrial throne. He seems somewhat surprised when you don’t bow down and kiss his feet, but you’re not quite sure how to do that since there’s a freaking counter in between you. He’s got a fancy job title like “Official Crowd Response-iologist” in order to make him feel good about his crappy job. Incase you haven’t realized this yet, anytime somebody introces themselves along with a title ending in “-iologist,” that means that their job is bad enough where they had to be given a special title to make them stay.

But back to the issue at hand. You just want to get outta there ASAP, but they’re not going to let you do that. See, the longer they can keep you there, the more it looks like they’re actually doing something.

They’ve got this whole procedure down in order to get everything to take as long as possible, too. After he finally “understands” your question, he then needs to confirm the answer with somebody in the very back of the building, which will take roughly another 12 minutes and 14.7 seconds.

And they will never, and I mean never, tell you when the procedure is complete. No, that would be far too easy. Instead they just give you “that smile” as if to say, “Why the hell are you still standing here?”

When a clerk smilies at you…get outta there ASAP. There’s really only two things that it can mean: One, this conversation is over and the person behind you is getting impatient, or two, “Would you like to sign up for a ____ Card and waste another 20 minutes at our store save 15%?

Posted in Observations, The Stupidities of Society | w00t! 20 comments!

The American Pledge of Appliance

December 2, 2006

Let’s face it, the American Pledge of Allegiance…Great idea, rotten execution. Yet, it sounds so good we like to say it anyway.

The problem is, every time we recite it we end up lying through our teeth. I’ve decided to solve this problem, so I’ve come up with a new pledge which I would like to introduce to you all today.

I give you, the American Pledge of Appliance.

I pledge allegiance when I feel like it,
To the flag which I may now burn.
Of the Two Nations of America that switch places every 4-8 years,
And to the Fake Democracy for which it never stood,
Two Nations;
We are gods;
Affectible;
With stupidity and tolerance for all.

Posted in Politics, Words, Observations, The Stupidities of Society | w00t! 27 comments!

Next posts...
Previous posts...