I was:

The Insanities of One’s Mind

January 6, 2007

From looking at the stats for this blog, I can tell a lot about the types of people who come across it, mostly shown through the search engine referrals I find. The kinds of insights these can lead to are quite astounding, so what you’ll now be experiencing is a journey into the minds of those who search Google for stupid things, and find what they’re looking for–me.

The Global Warming Solution

January 3, 2007

TIME says global warming is destroying us, and Al Gore wants you to believe it. Your icecaps are melting, your ozone’s vaporising, and your winter wonderland’s retiring. I didn’t read the TIME article and I didn’t watch Gore’s movie–but they’ve got the snappy titles, and that’s all anybody reads anyway.

None of that matters though, because I have the solution.

That’s right, I can solve your global warming disputes, your hot-button issues, your sizzling problems. I can cool down your planet, keep your atmosphere free, and save your icecaps. I can restrain your greenhouse gases, halt your CO2, and hold back the rising waters.

All I had to do is think for a second. What is supposed to cause global warming? CO2, carbon dioxide. What’s the biggest apparent supplier of carbon dioxide? Breathing.

After I had that figured out, the solution came as naturally as Al Gore and acting. We take all the stupid people, put ‘em in a room, and tell them not to breathe.

Problem solved.

Now, some of you are going to be sending me hate mail because you don’t believe in global warming or perhaps you think Earth could use a little warming up. But that’s cool, because this will solve all your other problems, too.

The only thing left is deciding who gets cast into the room. I say we make it a reality show, and I vote for Al Gore.

I’ve Conquered The Genies

October 31, 2006

You know how in Aladdin and all those other stories, genies only give you three wishes, but somehow it’s against the rules to wish for more wishes? Well, I’d like to get my hands on whoever made up that rule, because that has got to be the stupidest rule in the history of stupid rules.

Is this the genie’s doing, just making up extra rules knowing that any crack head stupid enough to rub a lamp would most certainly believe this crap? Or is there perhaps a Genie Union in which all professional genies take part, and they’ve decided to boycott this wish after experiencing too many nut jobs asking for unlimited wishes then accidentally killing themselves on the 4th wish?

Doesn’t matter though. Because you might not be able to wish for more wishes, but nobody ever said anything about more genies.

The (un)Natural Dehydration Process of Brilliance

October 3, 2006

A couple items that have really been catching my eye lately are hair products, mostly shampoos and hair dyes. In particular, these ones run at about 40 bucks a bottle and apparently will give you natural-looking hair.

This is great news for me, because lately I’ve been just washing my hair with soap and water and have been noticing my hair getting more and more unnatural. I also have a 73 year-old friend who’s hair has been getting a little gray, which has apparently been freaking some people out.

Though, sometimes it’s best not to have things the natural way. For example, I’d much rather eat many of my foods dehydrated–especially if it’s something disgusting. And the choices for dehydrated food are endless, you can get bananas, apples, vegetables…The list goes on, and they’re always working on new ones.

Though, the one I’m really looking forward to is dehydrated water.

I thought about trying to make some myself, but when I went through the whole mental process I realized that I might not have anything left over to consume and/or sell. I also realized that I’d have a bunch of useless H2O leftover from the process.

Then I was hit with another brilliant idea: The next best thing–water extract.

The Cost of Honesty (Or, “Why I Never Lie and Why the Truth is Overrated”)

September 3, 2006

Lately I’ve come to realize that in our society, the worst possible thing that I can do for myself is tell somebody what I really think. Most of us understand this. We’re masters of creative distortion, persuasive evasion, and selective truthfulness. But we never lie–no, we’d never steep as low as that–we’re just not honest.

See, lies are way too fragile. It takes a George Costanza to really pull those off. Hell, even Clinton had trouble eventually. However, with selective truthfulness, even amateurs can fool the polygraph. It’s simple: We tell the truth but leave out the parts we’d like to live without.

I’m sure you already know how to do it. Without this technique, most of us would be dead by now.

For example, say somebody shows you some of their artwork:

“So, what do you think?”

What is it? Looks like a train wreck. “Very interesting…Really makes the mind wonder.”

Told absolute truth. How they interpret this truth is completely up to them. As Costanza himself would say, “Jerry, just remember: It’s not a lie… if you believe it.” That’s why this works so well. You get out of trouble, don’t have to lie (guilt free!), and even better…it’s so easy.

Picture the scene. Somebody important invites you over for dinner; this is your big chance.

“So, did you like the dinner?”

Holy crap…I’m not sure I’ll be able to keep this down for the next hour. Or if I do, I’m definitely going to die.
“I’ve never had anything like it! That meat was really interesting.”
I didn’t even know there was such a thing as blue pork…

Tricks like these can save lives. Not just vague, other-side-of-the-world, somebody else “lives,” either…we’re talking yours and mine.

“Does this make me look fat?”

Hey, it’s not the clothes’ fault. “No, nothing makes you look fat.”

But in order to use this technique, there is a certain pride issue that one has to get over. Namely, one needs to convince him or herself that their personal thoughts and opinions 1) aren’t worth telling and 2) aren’t funny.

But this I just cannot do. They’re good, and I don’t aim to waste them. Which is also why I don’t have a girlfriend yet two moderately successful blogs.

An Experiment…

August 27, 2006

So, this weekend–the second-to-last weekend of the summer–I decided to try a little experiment.

I wasn’t going to do any client work whatsoever, not even answer emails (I really hope none of those clients are reading this right now…). I’d say it’s probably been one of my most relaxing and boring weekends of the summer.

I guess that’s the trade-off; you just can’t have excitement and peace simultaneously these days. You can thank the media for that.

However, two interesting things did occur because of this. Wait, actually, three.

  1. I spent much of yesterday afternoon/evening filming and editing a little video which is yet to be named. So far it has been filmed by only me and has starred only me. Is that a bad thing? I don’t think so. If I ever finish it, I’ll probably stick it up on YouTube for you all to see…Just watching the minute and ten seconds I’ve already done gives me an adrenalin rush.

    First one to guess what the video is of gets a cookie–and if you already know because I happened to tell you about it, you can’t play.

  2. I did something that I never believed possible. In fact, I almost don’t even want to say it, as I’ve considered even the name to be one of the most foul words on the planet. I’d often shiver when I’d hear it uttered…so I’ll just link you to it instead. (By the way, I need more friends. Two billion (if you’re a non-IE6 user) just doesn’t cut it.) I just used parenthesis within parenthesis. Can you do that?

  3. And as a third bonus “interesting thing,” I watched about an hour and a half of the World Series of Poker today. I could take some of those losers.

Honestly, I’m really sorry about the lame post…But as Glen told me, “Don’t force genius or inspiration where it obviously isn’t.”

So apparently, Glen doesn’t think I’m a genius.

Help me smash this writer’s block with a sledgehammer.

August 23, 2006

As I’m sure is no secret by now, I’ve been having writer’s block issues. In short, for the past few weeks I haven’t found anything stupid enough to make fun of, and nothing in particular has pissed me off enough to rant about it.

So that’s where you come in–I need ideas, I need topics, I need stupid people.

The Accident Domain

August 20, 2006

I procrastinated long enough and from now on this site will be at accidentalprocrastination.com. So, make sure to update all your links, bookmarks, and everything else to the correct address…

Upon Searching for Me

July 24, 2006

I was looking through my Mint stats last night when I realized…Some of the funniest people don’t realize that they’re funny–which is probably why they are.

Allow me to demonstrate by showing you a few of the searches that people have actually done to end up here:

It’s not my fault I’m a pessimist.

July 18, 2006

Americans have always been impressed by professional-sounding terms. Some of us like them so much that we invent multiple terms for the same thing then attempt to trick you into believing that they’re actually different.

The whole profession of doctorism (how’s that for a professional term) revolves around this exact system. After all, if doctors are going to charge so much, they’d better look like they actually know something we don’t.

How many times have you gone to the doctor to hear him say, “You hurt your leg”? Probably not very many. They’re much more likely to say something like, “You have a fracture of the femur,” which sounds much more professional.

We all know they just look it up on the internet when our back is turned. This is the only reason that I can think of for always having such crappy wallpaper–good distraction while they look it up (Hey, is that a BUTTERFLY on there?). But even so, they still like to pretend that they are actually smarter than us. So, they use these big words in order to prove they deserve the white coat:

“After much googling research I have come to the conclusion that the fetor comes from extensive feces.”

“What?”

“Your shit stinks.”

One more thing. How come I always end up with the practicing doctors? Just once, can’t I get a good one? I think that’s something my health insurance forgot to mention.

Big words aren’t just reserved to wealthy googlers doctors, however. Take the words optimism and pessimism. We like to define these with the oh-so-popular “half-full” and “half-empty” illustrations. People love to ask you that. Do you see your glass as half empty, or half full?

I hear this is one of psychiatrists’ favorite questions, which is also why I believe that psychiatrists are people who wanted to be doctors, but couldn’t learn how to use Google fast enough so settled for making up stuff on the spot.

I don’t need a psychiatrist to tell me whether I’m an optimist or a pessimist though, because there’s not too much difference. The only real difference between optimists and pessimists is that the half-full people tell you that “if life hands you a lemon, make lemonade,” while the half-empty people hate lemonade.

Next posts...
Previous posts...