My Prediction is…

Both teams lose, and all of America is pissed off for the next week. Preferably, the stadium blows up right before the game starts and we just see commercials for 3 hours. And if anybody is wondering what I look like, today I’ll be the guy cheering every time somebody messes up.

That is all for now. I do have another serious post in the making, but it doesn’t have an ending yet, so that will have to wait for another time.

The Insanities of One’s Mind

From looking at the stats for this blog, I can tell a lot about the types of people who come across it, mostly shown through the search engine referrals I find. The kinds of insights these can lead to are quite astounding, so what you’ll now be experiencing is a journey into the minds of those who search Google for stupid things, and find what they’re looking for–me.

  • procrastination poem — Now, I will admit, I don’t have any procrastination poems here, until now. In order to please this bizarre interesting person, here’s a little haiku:

    Procrastination
    Eats up your time, just like this
    Amazing haiku.

  • dilbert i will use google before I ask dumb questions — This guy’s problem is he forgot the last bit. It should’ve been, “dilbert i will use google before I ask dumb questions, except when I click on a result and the guy blogs about my dumb question.”
  • consider them rubbish sermon — Yeah, most are.
  • i’m always mean when you’re mean: a blog — That’s a fairly good description.
  • procrastination just means I am thinking about it — Wow. I am impressed. This guy probably does not only know how to procrastinate, but I’ll bet he knows how to procrastinate procrastinating, too.
  • rotten execution — As long as this isn’t referring to my writing, then sure, whatever.
  • accidental bitch — You too, moron.

The Global Warming Solution

TIME says global warming is destroying us, and Al Gore wants you to believe it. Your icecaps are melting, your ozone’s vaporising, and your winter wonderland’s retiring. I didn’t read the TIME article and I didn’t watch Gore’s movie–but they’ve got the snappy titles, and that’s all anybody reads anyway.

None of that matters though, because I have the solution.

That’s right, I can solve your global warming disputes, your hot-button issues, your sizzling problems. I can cool down your planet, keep your atmosphere free, and save your icecaps. I can restrain your greenhouse gases, halt your CO2, and hold back the rising waters.

All I had to do is think for a second. What is supposed to cause global warming? CO2, carbon dioxide. What’s the biggest apparent supplier of carbon dioxide? Breathing.

After I had that figured out, the solution came as naturally as Al Gore and acting. We take all the stupid people, put ’em in a room, and tell them not to breathe.

Problem solved.

Now, some of you are going to be sending me hate mail because you don’t believe in global warming or perhaps you think Earth could use a little warming up. But that’s cool, because this will solve all your other problems, too.

The only thing left is deciding who gets cast into the room. I say we make it a reality show, and I vote for Al Gore.

I’ve Conquered The Genies

You know how in Aladdin and all those other stories, genies only give you three wishes, but somehow it’s against the rules to wish for more wishes? Well, I’d like to get my hands on whoever made up that rule, because that has got to be the stupidest rule in the history of stupid rules.

Is this the genie’s doing, just making up extra rules knowing that any crack head stupid enough to rub a lamp would most certainly believe this crap? Or is there perhaps a Genie Union in which all professional genies take part, and they’ve decided to boycott this wish after experiencing too many nut jobs asking for unlimited wishes then accidentally killing themselves on the 4th wish?

Doesn’t matter though. Because you might not be able to wish for more wishes, but nobody ever said anything about more genies.

The (un)Natural Dehydration Process of Brilliance

A couple items that have really been catching my eye lately are hair products, mostly shampoos and hair dyes. In particular, these ones run at about 40 bucks a bottle and apparently will give you natural-looking hair.

This is great news for me, because lately I’ve been just washing my hair with soap and water and have been noticing my hair getting more and more unnatural. I also have a 73 year-old friend who’s hair has been getting a little gray, which has apparently been freaking some people out.

Though, sometimes it’s best not to have things the natural way. For example, I’d much rather eat many of my foods dehydrated–especially if it’s something disgusting. And the choices for dehydrated food are endless, you can get bananas, apples, vegetables…The list goes on, and they’re always working on new ones.

Though, the one I’m really looking forward to is dehydrated water.

I thought about trying to make some myself, but when I went through the whole mental process I realized that I might not have anything left over to consume and/or sell. I also realized that I’d have a bunch of useless H2O leftover from the process.

Then I was hit with another brilliant idea: The next best thing–water extract.

The Cost of Honesty (Or, “Why I Never Lie and Why the Truth is Overrated”)

Lately I’ve come to realize that in our society, the worst possible thing that I can do for myself is tell somebody what I really think. Most of us understand this. We’re masters of creative distortion, persuasive evasion, and selective truthfulness. But we never lie–no, we’d never steep as low as that–we’re just not honest.

See, lies are way too fragile. It takes a George Costanza to really pull those off. Hell, even Clinton had trouble eventually. However, with selective truthfulness, even amateurs can fool the polygraph. It’s simple: We tell the truth but leave out the parts we’d like to live without.

I’m sure you already know how to do it. Without this technique, most of us would be dead by now.

For example, say somebody shows you some of their artwork:

“So, what do you think?”

What is it? Looks like a train wreck. “Very interesting…Really makes the mind wonder.”

Told absolute truth. How they interpret this truth is completely up to them. As Costanza himself would say, “Jerry, just remember: It’s not a lie… if you believe it.” That’s why this works so well. You get out of trouble, don’t have to lie (guilt free!), and even better…it’s so easy.

Picture the scene. Somebody important invites you over for dinner; this is your big chance.

“So, did you like the dinner?”

Holy crap…I’m not sure I’ll be able to keep this down for the next hour. Or if I do, I’m definitely going to die.
“I’ve never had anything like it! That meat was really interesting.”
I didn’t even know there was such a thing as blue pork…

Tricks like these can save lives. Not just vague, other-side-of-the-world, somebody else “lives,” either…we’re talking yours and mine.

“Does this make me look fat?”

Hey, it’s not the clothes’ fault. “No, nothing makes you look fat.”

But in order to use this technique, there is a certain pride issue that one has to get over. Namely, one needs to convince him or herself that their personal thoughts and opinions 1) aren’t worth telling and 2) aren’t funny.

But this I just cannot do. They’re good, and I don’t aim to waste them. Which is also why I don’t have a girlfriend yet two moderately successful blogs.

An Experiment…

So, this weekend–the second-to-last weekend of the summer–I decided to try a little experiment.

I wasn’t going to do any client work whatsoever, not even answer emails (I really hope none of those clients are reading this right now…). I’d say it’s probably been one of my most relaxing and boring weekends of the summer.

I guess that’s the trade-off; you just can’t have excitement and peace simultaneously these days. You can thank the media for that.

However, two interesting things did occur because of this. Wait, actually, three.

  1. I spent much of yesterday afternoon/evening filming and editing a little video which is yet to be named. So far it has been filmed by only me and has starred only me. Is that a bad thing? I don’t think so. If I ever finish it, I’ll probably stick it up on YouTube for you all to see…Just watching the minute and ten seconds I’ve already done gives me an adrenalin rush.

    First one to guess what the video is of gets a cookie–and if you already know because I happened to tell you about it, you can’t play.

  2. I did something that I never believed possible. In fact, I almost don’t even want to say it, as I’ve considered even the name to be one of the most foul words on the planet. I’d often shiver when I’d hear it uttered…so I’ll just link you to it instead. (By the way, I need more friends. Two billion (if you’re a non-IE6 user) just doesn’t cut it.) I just used parenthesis within parenthesis. Can you do that?

  3. And as a third bonus “interesting thing,” I watched about an hour and a half of the World Series of Poker today. I could take some of those losers.

Honestly, I’m really sorry about the lame post…But as Glen told me, “Don’t force genius or inspiration where it obviously isn’t.”

So apparently, Glen doesn’t think I’m a genius.

Upon Searching for Me

I was looking through my Mint stats last night when I realized…Some of the funniest people don’t realize that they’re funny–which is probably why they are.

Allow me to demonstrate by showing you a few of the searches that people have actually done to end up here:

  • procrastination society. We live in a time and age where everybody needs a society, so it makes sense that procrastinators would want one. Yet somehow, I doubt it will ever get started.
  • What special things does a swan do. We do many things. Making fun of people who ask dumb questions is one of those things.
  • accidental soccer nut kicks. That’s why I watch soccer, too.
  • funny team names procrastinate. I don’t get it.
  • telling an optimist from a pessimist. For this, I come up number three on Google. I’m so glad that I get to help humankind with my brilliant psychological observations…
  • i didn’t mean for this to go as far as it did. I wonder if that applies to this blog in any way.
  • would you believe two angry boy scouts in a canoe. Heck yes.