Happy 11th of October!

Everybody’s talking about Independence Day (no, not that Independence Day). It is, after all, the Fourth of July. Today is the day that Americans everywhere are eating charcoal hamburgers, blowing up Chinese bombs, and making worthless political statements.

When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

Those guys sure knew what they were doing when they picked the 4th of July to sign that thing. Can you imagine what it would be like if they had picked, say, the 11th of October?

“Happy 11th of October, everybody!”

It just doesn’t flow. Not to mention, who has barbeques in October? Or shoots fireworks? Nobody, and that’s why the 11th of October would suck as a national independence day.

July’s the perfect month. Right in the middle of the summer, clear skies for fireworks, perfect temperature for barbeques. I’m sure the signers thought through all of this before sending that letter off to England, because I mean, that’s pretty important. Creating a national holiday is a big deal.

Too bad the Constitution wasn’t written using a thesaurus…

We the people of the United States, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.

Boring. By using a simple thesaurus, this writing quality can easily be improved ten-fold.

We the partakers of the Joint Confusion, in order to form a more perfect society, establish reasonableness, insure household harmony, provide for the everyday argument, spam the general welfare, and lock up the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this Disposition for the Joint Confusion of America.

I’d love to see Harry Blackmun even try to touch that one.