I was:

The Minute of Yesterday

April 25, 2007

In one minute it will be tomorrow; in one minute it will be the future. In one minute, everything–everything–could quite possibly be very different than that which is the minute I am living now. Or, it could just as possibly–perhaps more so–slip right by, unnoticed like those that proceeded it: Quiet, indifferent, and more than likely wasted.

Four minutes have gone by since I wrote my first sentence. It’s tomorrow now, or rather the tomorrow of four minutes ago and today’s today. Nothing has happened, nothing has changed, and iTunes is still on repeat.

5 Things I Wish I Could Do But Probably Never Will

April 13, 2007
  1. Secretly buy CNN.com, replace overnight all news with satire articles, see what networks are reporting them the next morning.
  2. Gain 200 pounds, lose it in a month, get paid to walk on the beach for a “results not typical” commercial.
  3. Make a sequel to a movie that never existed, just to see who would watch it anyway.
  4. Watch M. Night Shyamalan’s “Signs” sometime in the middle of the night while outside in a cornfield.
  5. Write a book that ends, “The night stifled all those present, a black velvet cloaking the sky concealing any hint of natural light that might otherwise have shown itself. A single figure stepped out of the darkness and approached the edge, peering over for but a moment. With a flying leap, he cleared the weathered railing and plummeted toward the dark mass that was the Bering Sea below. For a brief, terrifying, ‘Oh shit’ moment the thought passed through his mind that this was probably not the most resourceful approach, but his author saw the amazing trilogy potential and just couldn’t stay away.”

But it’s low-fat!

April 7, 2007

A phenomenon I’ve been noticing lately is the abundance of reduced fat snacks and deserts. Did you know that you can actually buy low-fat ice cream now? And what’s with the Reduced Fat Oreos?

I’ve been trying to figure out what new audience they’re trying to reach. I know it can’t be me, because I only eat Double Stuffed. It also can’t be the hard-core dieters, because they wouldn’t be stupid enough to fall for something like that.

The only explanation I can think of is that they’re hoping to open up a new market filled with spontaneous dieters:

Guy 1: “Man, I’m freaking starved, I haven’t eaten anything today!”
Guy 2: “There’s McDonald’s…Go buy a hamburger.”
Guy 1: “Haven’t you seen the movie? Besides, I’m doing the whole ‘diet’ thing. Hey, wait a second…look at this! Reduced Fat Oreos! I’ll get two.”

I suppose it also works for the quantity-over-quality folks. You know, the people who don’t want to feel guilty after taking seconds so they get the 50% reduced fat stuff, thus allowing them to eat twice as much.

You think?