Are We Done Yet?

Clerks are jerks.

I mean honestly. You take normal, average people, stick ’em behind a counter, and suddenly they’re complete jackasses.

You know what I’m talking about.

You’re trying to buy a cage for your demented hamster, submit a medical/death release form so you can learn to jump out of a plane, or check your cat into Addicted To Catnip Anonymous and you have absolutely no clue what the procedure is in this situation. After approximately 73 minutes and 24 seconds of dealing with this person, it becomes unmistakably clear that the person-behind-the-counter-who-does-this-all-the-time has no absolutely no intention of telling you what it is.

The DMV loves this.

The guy’s standing behind his all-mighty shelf of fabricated jargon (counter) as though it’s some sort of industrial throne. He seems somewhat surprised when you don’t bow down and kiss his feet, but you’re not quite sure how to do that since there’s a freaking counter in between you. He’s got a fancy job title like “Official Crowd Response-iologist” in order to make him feel good about his crappy job. Incase you haven’t realized this yet, anytime somebody introces themselves along with a title ending in “-iologist,” that means that their job is bad enough where they had to be given a special title to make them stay.

But back to the issue at hand. You just want to get outta there ASAP, but they’re not going to let you do that. See, the longer they can keep you there, the more it looks like they’re actually doing something.

They’ve got this whole procedure down in order to get everything to take as long as possible, too. After he finally “understands” your question, he then needs to confirm the answer with somebody in the very back of the building, which will take roughly another 12 minutes and 14.7 seconds.

And they will never, and I mean never, tell you when the procedure is complete. No, that would be far too easy. Instead they just give you “that smile” as if to say, “Why the hell are you still standing here?”

When a clerk smilies at you…get outta there ASAP. There’s really only two things that it can mean: One, this conversation is over and the person behind you is getting impatient, or two, “Would you like to sign up for a ____ Card and waste another 20 minutes at our store save 15%?

20 thoughts on “Are We Done Yet?”

  1. I definitely hate that when clerks/cashier people give you the “Duh, doesn’t everyone know that?” look after you ask a question…especially at the Financial Aid office at the university:

    “You have to have your verification forms, copies of your W-2, your parent’s tax sheets, your awards letter, your letters from each one of your individual scholarships, your letter from the University Scholarship Foundation, the revolving charge account form, the loan contracts, the work study forms, two forms of identification, your student ID card, two frog legs, and the blood of a unicorn in order for us to give any money to you.”


    “Yep, it’s school policy.”

    So before I leave on my quest to gather the blood of a unicorn, I may or may not flip the person the bird (depending on how spiritual I am feeling at the moment).

    20 kudos for you, Mr. Swan.

    (btw, you better legitimately consider our conversation of earlier today)

  2. So before I leave on my quest to gather the blood of a unicorn, I may or may not flip the person the bird (depending on how spiritual I am feeling at the moment).

    So you only give it when you’re feeling extremely spiritual, right?

    wow i cant believe you… 15 percent savings is pretty nice my friend.


    But you forget, 20 minutes in a store you never wanted to go to is a long, long time….

  3. Haha, this is so right on. I don’t know what else to say. I agree.

    And while that 15% discount would be nice, I’m going to have to say that I agree that sometimes it is definitely worth just paying instead of being stuck in a store you don’t want to be in. And with a clerk who hates his/her job and blames you for all the problems in the world, so is trying to make you pay by taking as long as they can, running you in circles, and making you jump through absurd hoops.

    Sometimes you just pay the 15%, sprint outta there, and don’t look back.

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