I was:

Upon Searching for Me

July 24, 2006

I was looking through my Mint stats last night when I realized…Some of the funniest people don’t realize that they’re funny–which is probably why they are.

Allow me to demonstrate by showing you a few of the searches that people have actually done to end up here:

It’s not my fault I’m a pessimist.

July 18, 2006

Americans have always been impressed by professional-sounding terms. Some of us like them so much that we invent multiple terms for the same thing then attempt to trick you into believing that they’re actually different.

The whole profession of doctorism (how’s that for a professional term) revolves around this exact system. After all, if doctors are going to charge so much, they’d better look like they actually know something we don’t.

How many times have you gone to the doctor to hear him say, “You hurt your leg”? Probably not very many. They’re much more likely to say something like, “You have a fracture of the femur,” which sounds much more professional.

We all know they just look it up on the internet when our back is turned. This is the only reason that I can think of for always having such crappy wallpaper–good distraction while they look it up (Hey, is that a BUTTERFLY on there?). But even so, they still like to pretend that they are actually smarter than us. So, they use these big words in order to prove they deserve the white coat:

“After much googling research I have come to the conclusion that the fetor comes from extensive feces.”

“What?”

“Your shit stinks.”

One more thing. How come I always end up with the practicing doctors? Just once, can’t I get a good one? I think that’s something my health insurance forgot to mention.

Big words aren’t just reserved to wealthy googlers doctors, however. Take the words optimism and pessimism. We like to define these with the oh-so-popular “half-full” and “half-empty” illustrations. People love to ask you that. Do you see your glass as half empty, or half full?

I hear this is one of psychiatrists’ favorite questions, which is also why I believe that psychiatrists are people who wanted to be doctors, but couldn’t learn how to use Google fast enough so settled for making up stuff on the spot.

I don’t need a psychiatrist to tell me whether I’m an optimist or a pessimist though, because there’s not too much difference. The only real difference between optimists and pessimists is that the half-full people tell you that “if life hands you a lemon, make lemonade,” while the half-empty people hate lemonade.

Sports for the Al Qaeda World

July 14, 2006

It’s obvious that the Muslim extremists hate us, you needn’t to tell me that. What I want to know, though, is why.

Is it just because we’re Americans? Couldn’t be. How could somebody hate a country that has hamburgers, baseball, and more nukes than you can imagine? It’s impossible.

Or could it be because there are so many Christians in America? I say no. Think about it from a terrorist’s perspective: If your whole point in killing people is so that you can get to Heaven and have a chance at those 72 virgins, wouldn’t it be smarter to kill people who are more likely to turn terrorist? Better chances for yourself that way.

I think the real reason they’re always so angry is because of the lack of radical Islamic sports. They just need a creative path to channel all of that hatred to. If we can give them a way to blow off all that steam in a safe-for-us manner, they’d be much happier.

Baseball isn’t going to do it, they’re too smart for that. Where’s the violence?

Boxing’s no good–no uniforms. Everybody knows that Al Qaeda loves uniforms.

So, I think they need their own special sport–it could even be something like a reality show. Here’s one option that I can think of:

Scary video contest. Much like our American Idol, contestants would go for months without taking a shower or shaving, then would stand in front of blank walls holding AK47s and say scary things. You get extra points if you’re already dead by the time the video is shown, and Osama Bin Laden would judge. The loser gets shot (what good is a sport without a little bit of risk, I say). The only problem with this one is that if you’re dead before the video is shown and you loose, they can’t really shoot you.

Any other ideas?

The Truth About Sports

July 11, 2006

I used to do sports. When I was 7 I played baseball; did that for about 6 years. Did soccer a couple of times.

I remember those first few years, t-ball, hot dogs…confusion. I also remember quite clearly what the coaches would constantly tell us:

It’s just a game!

We didn’t believe them, of course. They won’t tell us the score? Then we’ll keep track ourselves.

But this is what they wanted.

Because the next season, everything is suddenly backwards. The coaches are yelling and swearing, meanwhile the players are telling the coaches, “It’s just a game!”

To many, this whole ordeal would probably be a confusing thing. However, I’ve been able to figure it all out. The first couple of years, you know, the ones where it’s “just a game”–those are there to get you hooked. If you continue playing for a couple of years, then they figure that you’re ready for the truth.

But they don’t really tell you the truth. Or the whole truth, anyway. You think it’s the truth, you believe it’s the truth. Most people, in fact, still do believe that this is the truth. The whole US Government still believes this, as does Japan’s. What they tell you is that it’s not really a game, it’s your life. You need this, your future depends upon it. That even you can be a winner.

This, of course, is bullshit. There are no real “winners” in sports. Actually, let me take that back. There are winners in sports, but most people would never guess them. But I’ll tell you who they are: Drug dealers, and the countries that don’t participate.

Those are your real winners.

Drug dealers, pretty self explanatory. I think that they are actually the ones that started this whole “sports” thing and came up with the confusing introduction to the game. I mean they are masters of addiction, are they not? So what would be better than to create an addiction that will start another addiction that they can sell products to feed? It’s complicated, it’s confusing, it’s genius. Who would’ve guessed?

The non-participants are also winners. Why? Because they’re several billion dollars richer and several times smarter. You see, while we’re plunking millions into training somebody to kick a plastic ball, they can use this money to do much more important things. Like say, build nukes.

A question for my readers

July 9, 2006

I’ve been doing Accidental Procrastination for a couple of months now, and I have no intentions of stopping. My stats show that readership has been growing quite nicely as of late (I think I’m running into the blogging paradox already), and I’ve been having loads of fun.

I’ve implemented a lot of sweet new JavaScript stuff around here lately (look for it), and this has almost turned into my little JavaScript sandbox as well as a great place to drop thoughts.

Now here’s the question. Do you think I should keep the blog here, or shall I give the thing it’s own special domain? Not that your answers will really make any difference once I’ve made up my mind.

And on a completely different side note, who exactly is reading this? Just curious. I know I’ve got a lot of readers who’ve been keeping quiet, so now is the time to come out into the open. I don’t bite…

Much.

Kim Jong Il sucks at poker.

July 8, 2006

Regarding the whole North Korea thing, I think Kim Jong Il could have something going for him, but he really needs to work on this a little bit more. When you’re playing with the pros, you’d better know what you’re doing. Otherwise, you’ll get wasted. Literally. And lets face it, Kim Jong Il obviously sucks at this.

When you’re at the table, image is everything. As such, the guy’s going to need a name change. I mean c’mon… Kim? Isn’t that a girl’s name?

If you want to be a pro, you gotta look like one. This means that you can’t have a poker face like Kermit the Frog with a name already taken by a piece-of-crap Disney show. I hear name changes aren’t too expensive here in the US, so I’m sure that when you’re god of North Korea you can get them for practically nothing.

That is, of course, unless he (or is it a “she”?) is going for the Miss Piggy look, which I can definitely see on him…But lets face it, if you’re going to do the look, you need to do the moves. Nukes just won’t cut it.

Now second of all, what are you going to do when even China hates you? Kim seems to think that bluffing is a good tactic here. In order to prove he’s no sissy, he launches 7 nukes against stern warnings from the US and Japan. Now, this would’ve been a spectacular bluff, except for one little problem: The freakin’ thing broke 45 seconds into flight.

Talk about embarrassing.

A Note on Sequels

July 7, 2006

A lot of people seem to assign the word “sequel” with the definition of, “A continuation of the first story.” But recently I’ve come across substantial evidence to indicate otherwise. While this new definition desperately tries to hold onto the connotation that the previous definition carries, the literal definition is quite different.

It now goes something like this:

A second, completely separate and much lamer movie that intends to juice all possible revenue out of a previous movie’s name and/or stars. It may or may not have any relation to the previous film, and oftentimes within the last 10 minutes a movie will introduce a completely new issue that will take another 3 hours to explain so that they may produce a sequel. Several sequels may be made, turning a specific group of films into a “series.” This series will normally go on until it becomes clear that nobody cares anymore.

I’d like to thank Hollywood for making this post possible.

Happy 11th of October!

July 4, 2006

Everybody’s talking about Independence Day (no, not that Independence Day). It is, after all, the Fourth of July. Today is the day that Americans everywhere are eating charcoal hamburgers, blowing up Chinese bombs, and making worthless political statements.

When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

Those guys sure knew what they were doing when they picked the 4th of July to sign that thing. Can you imagine what it would be like if they had picked, say, the 11th of October?

“Happy 11th of October, everybody!”

It just doesn’t flow. Not to mention, who has barbeques in October? Or shoots fireworks? Nobody, and that’s why the 11th of October would suck as a national independence day.

July’s the perfect month. Right in the middle of the summer, clear skies for fireworks, perfect temperature for barbeques. I’m sure the signers thought through all of this before sending that letter off to England, because I mean, that’s pretty important. Creating a national holiday is a big deal.

My grass is greener than yours.

July 3, 2006

I think mowing one’s lawn is actually counter-productive. I mean, from what I can gather, point of mowing your lawn is to make it seem like you actually take care of your yard. Now, the problem with this is, once you mow it, it’s going to grow back. Fast.

Then you have to continually keep mowing it and mowing it and mowing it because it keeps catching up on you. This whole ordeal could easily be solved by simply letting it grow and sticking a sign in your front yard:

I like it this way.

Or, if you’re one of those people who have to have everything neat-and-tidy (I’ll bet you even have a special spot reserved just for your remote controls, don’t you?), why not just rip out all of your grass and install that green, grass-like carpet stuff? Seems to work good on TV.