Note to self: Apparently emangelists (email + evangelists = a term I just made up) are just as crappy as televangelists.
June 30, 2006Everybody hates chain mail. You know, “Forward this to at least 10 people in the next 48 hours or you’ll get hit by a flying piano and die.” But that’s not all that bad (though still annoying). I mean they’re easy to spot–if I see five “Fwd:” things in the subject line then I know that it’s probably safe to delete.
But that’s old-school. There’s a new type of chain mail on the block, and this elite string of forwards does not try to manipulate the general public through cute fake images or promises of grandeur superstition, rather, the fashionable religious guilt trip. Here is an excerpt from an actual email I once received:
This is an easy test, you score 100 or zero. It’s your choice If you aren’t ashamed to do this, please follow the directions. Jesus said, “If you are ashamed of me, I will be ashamed of you before my Father.”
Not ashamed pass this on . . . only if you mean it. Yes, I do Love God. He is my source of existence and Savior. He keeps me functioning each and every day. Without Him, I am nothing, but with Him I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Phil 4:13
This is the simplest test. If you Love God, and are not ashamed of all the marvelous things he has done for you. Send this to ten people you love and the person who sent it to you!
Damn, I’d better hurry up and forward this thing before God takes out the lightning…
American Patriotism
June 28, 2006American patriotism is a funny thing… I mean, when British people have celebrations, they burn effigies of people with names like… “Guy.” But America easily tops that.
See, we choose to celebrate our independence by blowing up miniature bombs that we bought from China. Yeah, we like to call this, “Independence Day.”
And don’t forget the little plastic flags–that’s a definite must. By the way, have you ever looked at the bottom of one of those? Made in Tokyo.
Boy Scouts != (do not equal) People with a Sense of Direction
June 27, 2006Yesterday morning I loaded up my airsoft gun, slammed some CO2 in that thing, and took off for some little island in the middle of the Willamette River. All together there were eight people, 10 guns, 4 bags of Cheetos, a cooler with approximately 63.2 cans of soda, a radio, and two canoes. Oh yeah, and 7 oar/paddle things. The weather? About 100 degrees.
Now, many of you are probably thinking that to carry all of this upriver using only two canoes, multiple trips would be a must. You’re probably right, but that would take longer. And besides, once the first load gets there, who’s going back? Not me.
The canoe I was in had no major problems. We hit a few low spots at first, but after that it was smooth sailing. It looked like we might have a little problem with some small rapids, but we were able to steer clear of the rocks.
The other four in the other canoe had a completely different story, however. As we landed at this mile-long, 50 to 100 yards wide lump of sand, I turned to watch their progress. They were on the complete other side of the river, knee-deep in this polluted water, pushing and pulling the canoe, trying to get past the rapids. When they thought they were safe, they pushed off and started paddling. They got to the middle of the river when they realized that they’re paddling forward with everything they’ve got, and they’re not moving forward. So they turned the canoe towards the island, trying to go straight for it.
The problem? They were now going backwards. By the way, did I mention that most of the people in that little plastic boat were Boy Scouts?
So after we were all safely on this miniature oasis, we made our way to the “campsite,” being a little clearing with a picnic table in the middle of it. Apparently, these people had been here before with their Boy Scout troupe and built some paths and made a “campsite.” I figured these guys must know the island pretty well by now.
We’re playing our first game, and my team comes into contact with a few of the enemy. I pull out my glorified, 350fps piece of plastic and pick off one of them. Unfortunately, I get hit in the hand soon after (lucky shot, I’m telling you–so what if I was just sitting on the beach).
As such, me and my victim make our way back to the distinguished “campsite” and all of that Mountain Dew. We start off on the path, when somewhere along the line we sort of loose it. We’re in the middle of this grass stuff in between 5 and 6 feet tall, and my victim is ahead of me, leading the way. He decides that the best course of action would be to blaze his own trail. This doesn’t sound like the most brilliant plan to me, but I figure that since he was one of the people who built this campsite he must know what he’s doing…He is a Boy Scout after all.
And besides, if you think that I’m going to go back by all by myself and to try to find the real path, you gotta be nuts. At least he’s in front so that I don’t have to break down all of that grass. I follow him around for a little while, when it becomes clear that he doesn’t exactly know where he’s going. We head for the river on the east side of the island (OK, I admit it–I actually have no clue what direction it was, but we’ll just call it east for now) so that we can see how far up the island we are. Suddenly, the ground drops, and we find ourselves much deeper in this grass. That doesn’t seem to bother my brilliant guide too much, and he keeps on blazing. That is, until the ground dropped again.
This time, it dropped, and it kept on dropping. I was able to stop, but my victim/guide fell and was quickly sliding in the direction of the river. When he was able to grab onto something and stop, we realized that he had stopped about 3.4 feet away from a cliff dropping right into the great, polluted Willamette River. Wonderful.
Did we turn around and head back, hoping to perhaps find the real path again? Of course not. He still wanted to keep on blazing. Thankfully while blazing through we eventually came in contact with the real path. Upon this finding my not-so-helpful guide turns back towards me with, “See? The path. I told you I knew where I was going.”
It wasn’t until we were back at the campsite that I was informed by somebody else that my “guide” recently got lost at the last Boy Scout camping trip. I was also informed by another that if you go too far east, there’s a cliff that will drop right into the river.
Gosh, thanks.
No comment.
June 21, 2006You’ve heard people say it, you’ve probably said it yourself. The witty reply that we all love to use, “No comment.”
If only these no-comment people would realize how stupid they really sound. Don’t they realize that by saying “no comment” they really are, in fact, making a comment? Or perhaps the words “no comment” are really referring to the actual value that their comment holds–none, zero, zilch.
But regardless of this, I still stand to believe that the comment “no comment” is one of the best non-comment comments worth commenting. It blatantly acknowledges the lack of content in one’s own comment while simultaneously and shamelessly ridiculing the fact that the commentee’s content is more worthless than your own comment-less comment (try saying that five times fast).
Some good examples of proper usage would be:
I can pwn you in tetris any day.
No comment.
I ate an ant once…they taste like they smell.
No comment.
The comment “no comment” is one of the best non-comment comments worth commenting.
No comment.
Too bad the Constitution wasn’t written using a thesaurus…
June 20, 2006We the people of the United States, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.
Boring. By using a simple thesaurus, this writing quality can easily be improved ten-fold.
We the partakers of the Joint Confusion, in order to form a more perfect society, establish reasonableness, insure household harmony, provide for the everyday argument, spam the general welfare, and lock up the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this Disposition for the Joint Confusion of America.
I’d love to see Harry Blackmun even try to touch that one.
Some new blogs…
I know I haven’t posted here for a few weeks, and normally I would apologize for such tactless incivility. But since hardly anybody reads this anyway (oh, what the world is missing) and everybody can still catch me elsewhere whenever they feel the need, I will not.
So what have I been doing instead of posting here? Well, among other things, I’ve introduced a couple people into the wonderful realm of the blogosphere. Allow me to introduce them to you…
Musings from Central Asia
After hearing this guy’s crazy stories from past adventures, I convinced him to write them down this time (blogging style). So go check it out, grab the feed, etc., etc., etc.
Crazed Jedi Wannabe
I’m not really sure how to explain this one except to emphasize the words “crazed” and “wannabe.” He’s currently going to college (in Canada, I might add) to be a Technical Journalist, which I’m told is basically a fancy name for Professional Video Game Reviewer. The guy’s completely unbeatable in Halo, which I’m sure he’ll tell you about (daily) on his blog…