I was:

To the Annoying Lady in the Annoying Hat

October 11, 2007

You don’t need a green arrow to turn left. Those green circles work too. That “left turn yield to oncoming traffic” sign means you only have to wait when there’s other cars at least in sight. When there’s a green light, you should probably drive. When somebody honks at you while giving you “move, stupid” motions, you should probably step on it. The very last thing you need to do is sit through an entire green freaking light causing the person behind you to be even later than he would have been because of your insisting to drive 20 miles below the speed limit through the country on lanes too narrow to pass. Glad we could have this talk.

Thank you.

- Elliot

Posted in Whatever | w00t! 6 comments!

My Personal Linear Hell

July 13, 2007

I personally believe that hell has a very long line leading to it. You wait. And wait, and wait some more until you wish you could just get there already. Eventually, you realize that you’ve been there the whole time.

Standing in line is like being in bad traffic while chairless and the radio is forever stuck on some reject pop station where the DJ feels the need to interrupt every song with wannabe raps consisting of “Matt, we need a cleanup on isle five. Matt, cleanup on isle five please.”

After about six of these reminders, you’re tempted to go check out isle five. You’re tempted to go check out the mess, to evaluate it, to see exactly what needs to be done. Then when you see an employee approach you greet this poor soul with a knowledgeable, “Hi Matt, I’d recommend immediate mopping followed by extensive bleach. Don’t forget the wet floor sign. Have a nice day.”

But alas, that would require losing one’s spot in line. Everybody’s worried about getting a “good spot.” You take your rounds across the stretching expansion of checkouts, gauging the estimated length of line, speed of cashier, and magazine selection. When one is about to stand in line for a long length of time, these things are important to know ahead of time.

Now once you have that good spot, the trouble is then keeping it. Eventually you run out of magazines, so you start assessing your surroundings. You first take a look at your fellow prisoners, making some vague assumptions as to their character. Next you take a look at their future purchases, weighing these results against your previous assumptions. The skinny kid with all the dairy products is obviously re-stocking after his king-sized roommate, and the body-builder reading People’s coverage of Paris Hilton’s jail time is no doubt getting snacks for his late night security gig. The lady reading The Enquirer is simply an idiot.

Once you are through with this, boredom hits. As you look into the neighboring lines, you realize that you picked the wrong good spot–if you had been in the other line you would’ve been long gone by now. You consider switching lines, but you’re worried that you might make the wrong choice again. Besides, you’d have to start this whole process all over again, and you’d lose your current not-quite-as-good spot.

After several hours (while your watch may not backup this fact, it is my personal belief that time stops while you are in line), you arrive at the front. With much glee, you turn a full 180 and look into the eyes of each helpless human being still waiting behind you. An innocent smile appears across your lips as you take a look at your cashier’s computer to see what operating system they are using. It appears to still be running DOS.

“Sorry for the delay, thanks for waiting. Paper or plastic?”

Boy, am I glad you asked.

Posted in Whatever, Observations, The Stupidities of Society | w00t! 6 comments!

A Portrait of God

June 14, 2007

God seems to be a big subject for famous works of art, and I can’t help but wonder what He must think of all these.

I imagine there must be an art gallery somewhere in heaven with a special wall reserved for the best ones, and another somewhere in hell for the rest of them. But how is it decided which go where?

There are probably a few main criteria for how these are all evaluated, and the most important is obviously accuracy. For example, did Jesus have a pony tail, or was He more into the curly surfer-hair complete with emo poses?

Other important details would include those such as the color and style of clothes He’s depicted wearing, whether the lighting hits Him right, and whether the artist correctly guessed His body type.

I think these are the kinds of things that have the greatest effect on an artist’s total score.

Posted in Religion, Observations, Late night ramblings | w00t! 8 comments!

New Design…

June 6, 2007

To mark one of the last procrastination efforts my high school years will see, I have pulled one of the biggest accidental procrastinations this site has seen yet.

Posted in Whatever | w00t! 8 comments!

Hot Dog Confessions

May 10, 2007

For some unbeknownst reason, I eat a lot of hot dogs and polish sausages. When I tell people this, I always get the same predicable response of, “Do you know what’s in those??! If you knew, you’d never eat one again.”

I’m thinking the answer is ground up bits of animals that nobody would buy, correct? With some spices thrown in?

But let’s get serious, because it’s really not like you vegetarians have it any better…You know where those carrots come from, right? Heavily fertilized and most likely bug-repellent sprayed dirt. First of all, you do know what most fertilizer is, no? To put it lightly, it’s the stuff that our bodies were trying to flush down the toilet. So what do you vegetarians do? Why eat it, of course.

You’re right, that does sound extremely healthy and appetizing.

And now let’s think of what else is done with dirt. People walk on it, die on it, are buried and decompose in it. Pollution, of which the air is full of, is constantly in contact with this dirt. Nor is this dirt being watered with bottled Fuji water.

When we wash our clothes, what are we washing from them? Dirt. You know, the stuff we grow our food in.

In fact, I’d venture to say that there is nothing on this earth more dirty than that which is dirt.

So, to all you veggie lovers out there: You know what that’s grown in, right? I’ll bet if you knew, you’d never eat another one again.

Posted in Whatever, Observations, The Stupidities of Society, Late night ramblings | w00t! 14 comments!

One Year of Accidental Procrastination

May 4, 2007

I’ve been officially procrastinating accidentally for over a year now, as the first post here came out on May 3rd, 2006.

Here’s what are, in my opinion, the highlights of last year’s procrastinations ordered from oldest to newest:

Here’s to another year of amazing time-wasting activities.

Posted in Whatever, Blogging, Words | w00t! 4 comments!

The Minute of Yesterday

April 25, 2007

In one minute it will be tomorrow; in one minute it will be the future. In one minute, everything–everything–could quite possibly be very different than that which is the minute I am living now. Or, it could just as possibly–perhaps more so–slip right by, unnoticed like those that proceeded it: Quiet, indifferent, and more than likely wasted.

Four minutes have gone by since I wrote my first sentence. It’s tomorrow now, or rather the tomorrow of four minutes ago and today’s today. Nothing has happened, nothing has changed, and iTunes is still on repeat.

Posted in Whatever, Words, Observations, Late night ramblings | w00t! 6 comments!

5 Things I Wish I Could Do But Probably Never Will

April 13, 2007
  1. Secretly buy CNN.com, replace overnight all news with satire articles, see what networks are reporting them the next morning.
  2. Gain 200 pounds, lose it in a month, get paid to walk on the beach for a “results not typical” commercial.
  3. Make a sequel to a movie that never existed, just to see who would watch it anyway.
  4. Watch M. Night Shyamalan’s “Signs” sometime in the middle of the night while outside in a cornfield.
  5. Write a book that ends, “The night stifled all those present, a black velvet cloaking the sky concealing any hint of natural light that might otherwise have shown itself. A single figure stepped out of the darkness and approached the edge, peering over for but a moment. With a flying leap, he cleared the weathered railing and plummeted toward the dark mass that was the Bering Sea below. For a brief, terrifying, ‘Oh shit’ moment the thought passed through his mind that this was probably not the most resourceful approach, but his author saw the amazing trilogy potential and just couldn’t stay away.”

Posted in Whatever, Words | w00t! 10 comments!

But it’s low-fat!

April 7, 2007

A phenomenon I’ve been noticing lately is the abundance of reduced fat snacks and deserts. Did you know that you can actually buy low-fat ice cream now? And what’s with the Reduced Fat Oreos?

I’ve been trying to figure out what new audience they’re trying to reach. I know it can’t be me, because I only eat Double Stuffed. It also can’t be the hard-core dieters, because they wouldn’t be stupid enough to fall for something like that.

The only explanation I can think of is that they’re hoping to open up a new market filled with spontaneous dieters:

Guy 1: “Man, I’m freaking starved, I haven’t eaten anything today!”
Guy 2: “There’s McDonald’s…Go buy a hamburger.”
Guy 1: “Haven’t you seen the movie? Besides, I’m doing the whole ‘diet’ thing. Hey, wait a second…look at this! Reduced Fat Oreos! I’ll get two.”

I suppose it also works for the quantity-over-quality folks. You know, the people who don’t want to feel guilty after taking seconds so they get the 50% reduced fat stuff, thus allowing them to eat twice as much.

You think?

Posted in Words, Observations, The Stupidities of Society | w00t! 10 comments!

Simple Facts of Life

March 5, 2007

Posted in Whatever, Words, Observations | w00t! 9 comments!


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